Sopranos Surprise

The final episode of The Sopranos was great... until the end. Junior Soprano continued his descent into delirium... Terrorist threats were kept alive... Phil got whacked, and his carcass got run over by his grandkids in an SUV.

There was tremendous suspense, since everyone knew this was the last episode. How was it going to end? Was Tony going to get whacked? Who would whack him? Would he flip and give up "the family" to the FBI? Would everyone die at the hands of terrorists by way of a dirty bomb? Theories were a dime a dozen on the Internet, but nobody saw this ending coming. Nobody thought the show would just... end.

Who would have thought Tony, Carmela, Meadow and A.J. would sit down to a family dinner at a restaurant, and the cameras would just stop rolling? Not me, and not you! Why would we? It's ridiculous! The final scene was so tense, as the cameras focused on two shady characters more than once. You just assumed these guys were going to pull out guns and start blasting. But nothing happened. A.J. didn't even choke to death on an onion ring! I feel so cheated that I almost can't remember the entertainment that the episode provided... like Paulie unzipping his pants at dinner.

To paraphrase a quote from my good friend, Scott, "This is the biggest case of TV blue balls in the history of television."

Wake Me Up When It's Over

Sports Illustrated said it would be "the fight to save boxing". Even if the De La Hoya/Mayweather fight lived up to the hype, what is on the horizon for boxing? Not much.

The fight was anticlimactic. Mayweather won a split decision, and both boxers made out financially. I'm just glad they didn't get any of my money. Thank goodness for SopCast.

I'm Not As Think As You Drunk I Am

The latest Sports Illustrated makes reference to a Maxfli commercial starring notorious golfer/alcoholic John Daly that was banned by CBS. Daly is shown grabbing a beer and driving a golf cart erratically. Sports Illustrated quotes a CBS spokesperson as saying, "Any implied or direct reference to excessive consumption of alcohol would not meet network guidelines."

The commercial can be found here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lwn7KimEosQ&mode=related&search=

Compliment Of The Day

I tried calling a friend of mine at his place of business today, and when he didn't answer, I left a message. He returned my call when I was away from my desk and he left the following message:

"Hey, I'm sorry I missed your call at eleven-thirty. I thought it was my wife, so I didn't pick up."

That says something right there, folks. I feel special.

Sphincter? I Don't Even Know Her!

I have just learned that Calvert DeForest (a.k.a. Larry "Bud" Melman) died on Monday at age 85. The Larry "Bud" Melman character was a staple on Late Night With David Letterman, with his odd statements (e.g., the title of this blog entry) and precarious situations (e.g., being tossed through a foam replica of the Berlin Wall).

"Everyone always wondered if Calvert was an actor playing a character, but in reality he was just himself - a genuine, modest and nice man," said Letterman. "To our staff and to our viewers, he was a beloved and valued part of our show, and we will miss him."

Surely, Letterman will have a tribute to Calvert DeForest. Keep your eyes peeled.

What I Wish I Saw In Vegas

I recently discovered that while I was in Vegas, former Steeler (now a Dolphin) linebacker Joey Porter punched Cincinnati Bengals offensive lineman Levi Jones after exchanging trash talk at a blackjack table at the Palms.

There's a rumor that Joey also smashed Don Rickles in the face with a telephone.

Finding A Watering Hole In The Desert

My buddy Scott and I were in Vegas for the first weekend of March Madness. We had a blast! We had free use of a house and a Mercedes-Benz C32 AMG, and most important, we had non-stop basketball, betting and beer! What more can you ask for? Well, I'll tell you. We spent 4 days and most of the nights at the Red Rock Casino. This place opened last April after $1 billion of construction. The Red Rock is like a small city; sports book, restaurants, night clubs, movie theaters, bowling lanes, and more!

So, I know what you are wondering. "How did you do?" Well, we did crappy on Thursday and Friday. The basketball gods were not smiling on us. By end-of-day Friday, we were down big. My two day record was 6-15. Too many games, I know. It was looking bleak. Before turning in Friday night, Scott and I discussed pulling a "Costanza", whereby we would bet the opposite of everything we liked. And we were serious.

We slept in a little on Saturday, as we didn't intend on betting on the first game of the day, Xavier vs. Ohio State. Ohio State was favored by 8, and we didn't like the game. When we got to the casino Saturday morning, the Xavier/Ohio State game was nearing halftime, and we sat down to check out the lines for the upcoming games. Out of the blue, without provocation, some drunk guy wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hat comes up to us and announces, "Xavier's coming back. You watch. I've got Xavier and the money line. They're gonna win!" He then proceeds to tell us that he won 7 of 8 bets on Thursday and 6 of 7 bets on Friday. I thought he was full of crap, given his drunken state, but Scott inquired as to what other games the drunkard liked. He exclaimed in convincing fashion that he liked Xavier, Louisville, Vanderbilt, UNLV and Memphis. And as quickly as he appeared, he disappeared into the crowd.

Scott asks, "What do you think?" I reply, "I think this guy is our good luck charm. I'm putting money on Xavier!" At halftime, Xavier was down by 4, and the halftime line was Ohio State -4. So, Ohio State still had to win by 8. We put money down on Xavier.

Xavier should have won, with an opportunity to go up by 4 with about 2 seconds to go, but an errant free throw only put Xavier up by 3, and Ohio State hit a 3 pointer to send the game into OT. Scott and I were convinced we were jinxed. It seemed like destiny for Ohio State to win by more than 8 in OT to screw us. What the hell were we doing betting hard-earned money on games picked by a drunk guy? Well, Xavier held on to lose by only 7. Victory! Well, for us at least. The drunk stood to make 3 times his money, but by betting the money line, he was a big loser. We found out later he bet $400 on Xavier.

We were now 1-0 on the day. We were drinking New Castle beer, and it was dubbed the official beer of "Comeback Saturday". The drunkard that helped us start our day off on the right foot was thereafter known as "The Oracle". With free beer flowing, we plopped money down on The Oracle's other selections, and a few of our own. We even played a 4-game parlay.

Later in the day, we were preparing for the Pitt/VA Commonwealth game. The Oracle reappeared and sat down next to us. He was even more intoxicated than when we first met him. He began repeating himself numerous times, the way drunks often do. Scott and I had settled on playing VA Commonwealth +7, but we asked The Oracle what he thought. "Pitt's gonna kick their ass!" The Oracle was losing his balance, and losing his luster as well. We defiantly played VA Commonwealth +7.

Through the game, The Oracle was watching a boxing match on TV that appeared to be about 20 years old. He was shadowboxing as the two boxers were beating the piss out of each other. "This is a real fight here," he said. "Toe to toe! No dancing around like pussies! Just two guys fighting... old school. Like Jack Dempsey... Jake LaMotta." There was a brief pause. Then, "This is a real fight here. Toe to toe! No dancing around like pussies! Just two guys fighting... old school. Like Jack Dempsey... Jake LaMotta." This went on for about 10 minutes. I turned to The Oracle and said, "It looks like you got a REAL fight there." "Yeah," he replied. "Old school... like Jack Dempsey or Jake LaMotta," I said. The Oracle thought for a moment, then agreed. "Exactly!"

I then got a brief synopsis from The Oracle about how his life is a mess, and he drinks too much.

Leave it to an Eagles fan to ruin a good time. The Oracle stumbled off, never to return.

VA Commonwealth made us sweat out another victory, losing to Pitt by 5 in OT, but it was a victory nonetheless. The only loser we had the whole day was Louisville, but it screwed us twice. Louisville was catching 3, but we got cocky and decided to play the money line. Louisville lost by 3, so we lost the straight bet, and we lost the 4-game parlay, as Louisville was 1 of the 4.

It was a HUGE financial windfall on Saturday, and the good luck carried over into Sunday. We played UNLV and Memphis, as per The Oracle's original calls, and we managed a few more wins, including a 3-game NBA parlay.

The trip started off sour, and we left Vegas with just a little less moolah than we came with, but the trip ended on a positive note. I haven't had that much fun in a long time.

Holy Underwear!

FYI. My cousin received a strange email last night, and Dr. F has responded on behalf of his band. Below you will find the original email and my response.

----- Original Message ----- From: steven david Sent: Tuesday, February 27, 2007 10:29 PM Subject: party enquiry Hello, How is Business, My name is steven david I am presently in the UK here i work as a videographer & Priest. The reason why i am contacting you is that my wife sharron will be Celibrating her 40th Birthday Party soon, precisely on the10TH Of MAR 2007,please check your avalability for this date becouse I will like you to take care of the Music aspect of the event. I came across your profile and am impressed with your services,experience,your kind of music of course is okay by me. The venue address of the event is 207 east 2nd street ,MINNEAPOLIS MN 55436 We are expecting about 80-100 guest & its going to be an indoor party. The party starts 12pm-5pm according to our program of the event. You are to start performing when it is 1pm till the end of the party. There will no be any dance from guest nor familly for any reason what we only need from you is for you to just give us interesting music. All expenses would be taken care of by me;Please I want the best service from you, because she is my only wife & i love her so much. So your best production is needed at this occasion. Pls Let me know your CHARGES to work for 4 Hours on that day,1pm -5pm when the event will be ending,moreso let me know how you plan to move down here with your electronics? I will want to put it to your notice that i will take care of your hotel only if requested from you,please let me know how many of you will be comming for this event? I hope to read from you soon & also to have your service QUOTE which will only include your travel,feeding, and your service fee. I look forward to your response and also your price package so that i can make quick arrangement of paying you a deposit payment so that you can book my wife event on your calendar. Pls email me back asap. Best Regards Priest steven.

-----Original Message----- From: Dr. F Sent: Wednesday, February 28, 2007 7:11 AM Subject: RE: party enquiry Hello Priest Steven David, Please let me introduce myself. I am DR. F, the band doctor and legal representative for the band [henceforth referred to as 'THE BAND' in this legal document]. THE BAND will be very happy to play for your only wife Sharron in Celebrating her 40th Birthday Party soon. This is very special event as priests in US do not have wifes, but you are from UK, so God will not smite you. Our CHARGES to work 4 hours are reasonable at $100/hour, but we will require hotel rooms for after the show when groupies entertain us with their jiggling parts, which is customary. Your wife is welcome to jiggle with them at no extra charge. My wife MRS. F does not jiggle so much as she flaps. As you are a priest AND a videographer, we will require you to complete our legal form for taking pictures at the party (see below). Please fill in the form, sign and date, scan and return to me soonest with picture ID. THE BAND is anxiously waiting for your quick arrangement of paying a deposit. Let us do this partinership which God has blessed. Metal Up Your Ass, DR. F ------------------------------ CUT HERE ------------------------------ LEGAL PHOTO DOCUMENT FOR THE BAND THIS LEGAL DOCUMENT MUST BE COMPLETED BY THE PHOTOGRAPHER/VIDEOGRAPHER 1. FIRST NAME: ____________________ 2. LAST NAME : ____________________ 3. OCCUPATION: ____________________ 4. IF OCCUPATION IS PRIEST, ARE YOU A REAL PRIEST: ___ YES ___ NO 5. IF OCCUPATION IS PRIEST, PLEASE WRITE IN THE SPACE BELOW YOUR INTENTIONS WITH REGARD TO DIDDLING NAKED ALTAR BOYS ON CAMERA. (NOTE: DIDDLING NAKED ALTAR BOYS IS BAD.) ______________________________ __________ SIGNATURE DATE ------------------------------ CUT HERE ------------------------------

Eau de toilette

Do you remember when the toilets in the women's restroom were on the fritz at Company X? Well, today I overheard some ladies talking about the state of affairs behind closed stall doors. Apparently, there are some discourteous, filthy women dropping bombs in the restrooms. An email went out to all of the women in the building from one of the administrative assistants. I managed to get my hands on a copy, and I'm sharing the contents here for your enjoyment (emphasis noted is verbatim from the original email):

Ladies,

I regret the need to even send an email of this sort, but I must.

It is continually being brought to my attention that the toilets in the women's restrooms are not being flushed and the restrooms are being left in an inappropriate manner for the next person. In addition to unflushed toilets, the paper toilet seat covers are being left on top of the toilets as well.
What is going on here?

Please leave the bathrooms in a manner that you would expect to find it for yourself.

Birds Of A Feather Blog Together

When I was home for Christmas, my buddy DaKarch and I did some good old fashioned pheasant hunting. He brought his German Shorthaired Pointer and his very pregnant wife (she's a tough broad). It was a brisk day, and quite windy. The wind proved to be a challenge, as the dog had difficulty at times picking up a scent. However, she was very impressive. Here's a picture of her pointing out a bird for yours truly. Note the proper handling of the firearm, with the trigger finger not engaged on the trigger. Safety first.