There's Something About Centava

After posting my correspondence with the insolent American Airlines customer service reps, I thought I would let you know that some American Airlines customers have had it worse than me. The most disturbing example of what you can expect on an American Airlines flight is the case of Centava Dozier, a 21 year old woman who fell asleep on a flight and woke up with a guy next to her masturbating and a "substance" in her hair! She's suing American Airlines for $200,000. American Airlines is at fault, as they should have prevented her from boarding the plane because she obviously must be too hot to expect male passengers to control themselves.

Un-American Airlines

I recently booked a flight on American Airlines to attend a wedding over the upcoming July 4th weekend. I attempted to use two $100 gift certificates, and I was subsequently charged $15 by American Airlines for a phone call I made requesting instructions for redeeming the certificates. What follows is a chronological record of the email correspondence thus far. I encourage every reader of my blog to spread the news: American Airlines sucks. As a side note, Capital One is off my sh*t list as a result of this ordeal.

April 24, 2008: The first email sent to AA

I recently booked flights on AA.com, but the web site did not support the use of gift certificates I received from Capital One as part of my credit card rewards program. I spoke with an American Airlines representative on the phone to find out how to use the certificates in conjuction with the flights I had booked online. The representative was pleasant and supplied me with a mailing address to send the certificates to, so as to receive credit on my purchase. Yesterday (04/23/2008), I received an email identified as my eTicket Itinerary And Receipt Confirmation. The email identified a charge for "Telephone Ticketing Service" in the amount of $15! I can only assume this is a mistake, as I can't understand why I am being charged $15 when I received no warning of such a charge when a) I looked up the phone number to call on AA.com, or b) when I spoke with the AA representative. Please remove that charge from my credit card. Thank you very much for your time. I look forward to hearing from you. I have posted this story on my blog and would like to update my readers about the resolution of this matter. Regards, Dr. F

April 25, 2008

From: American Airlines Date: Apr 25, 2008 4:00 AM Subject: R2008/04-73121-00059-001-00 April 24, 2008 Dear Dr. F: Thank you for contacting American Airlines Customer Relations. I am pleased to have the opportunity to assist you. I'm sorry to learn that you were unaware that you would be charged a transaction fee for your ticket purchase. When you called our reservation office, it seems you may have missed the recorded message that informs our customers about this fee. I know there is a lot of information given during the recording. Allow me to clarify where this bit of information is disseminated during the automated recording. After calling 1-800-433-7300, you will hear prompts directing you to select a certain transaction. When you say "reservations" you will hear additional prompts. After giving specific information, the message will state "please note that ticketing fees may apply." Also, during a reservation telephone conversation with an agent, whether you purchase your ticket at that time or place your reservation on hold, you should be advised that a service fee of per passenger will apply. This information is given as a part of a reservation transaction. Dr. F, again, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding about this issue. However, we are making no exceptions to the collection of the transaction fee and we must respectfully decline your request for a refund. Sincerely, Jeri J. Simar Customer Relations American Airlines

April 28, 2008

To: Jeri J. Simar, Customer Relations Re: R2008/04-73121-00059-001-00 In your response to my request for a refund of a $15 "Telephone Ticketing Service" charge, you referenced two points in the ticketing process to make a case for why I should have known I was being charged the service fee. Your first reference was to the automated phone system that routed me to an AA rep. The system states, "please note that ticketing fees may apply." The use of "may" here implies that there is no absolute with regard to ticketing fees. The implication is that the application of fees will be dependent on the services provided, leaving the option for no fees whatsoever. Your second reference was to the reservation telephone conversation with the AA agent, stating that at the time I purchased or placed my reservation on hold, "[I] should [have been] advised that a service fee per passenger will apply." You further stated that this information is given as a part of a reservation transaction. However, the agent that I spoke with made no reference to any additional fees, generically or specifically. I therefore did not enter into any agreement with AA whereby I would be charged a $15 fee. This is my first experience traveling with AA, and it "may" be my last. I'm certainly suspicious about AA's business practices, given my experience being charged fees without notice. I'm hopeful that this matter can be resolved, and I respectfully request, again, a refund for the $15 charge.

April 30, 2008

From: American Airlines Date: Apr 30, 2008 4:48 PM Subject: R2008/04-81284-00059-001-00 April 30, 2008 Dear Dr. F: I've received your recent email and I am pleased to respond. A careful review has been accomplished of the entire file and reports which have been obtained concerning your request. We wish things had worked out differently and can understand your perseverance in this matter. We try to avoid disagreements and do our best to clearly explain our position. When applicable, a refund is proffered within our policy guidelines, but we must decline to offer a refund in those situations which do not fall within our guidelines. Dr. F, although we understand that you don't agree with our decision, it is based on sound business practices, as well as our past experience. I am sorry to disappoint you further. Sincerely, Jeri J. Simar Customer Relations American Airlines

April 30, 2008

To: Jeri J. Simar, Customer Relations Re: R2008/04-81284-00059-001-00 While I appreciate your prompt reply, I find your response to be more than just disappointing. Your written response is an interesting runaround with no objective evidence that supports your claims, and it does not address the specific points in my most recent correspondence. You state that "A careful review has been accomplished of the entire file and reports which have been obtained concerning your request." Please provide me with the name(s) and contact information of the personnel who conducted this review. Please provide me with copies of the "entire file" and "reports" that were reviewed. I'm curious to know what objective evidence AA has regarding this case. IS there objective evidence that I agreed to be charged a $15 fee, or is it AA's position that customers do not need to know that they are being charged a specific fee when calling? As stated in my previous correspondence, the automated phone system only warns that fees "may" apply, not that they "will" apply. Additionally, no warning was presented by the AA representative that I spoke with. You stated your decision "is based on sound business practices". Is it "sound business practice" to attempt to swindle customers with hidden fees? Is it even lawful to charge customers without revealing what the specific charges will be? How do you address, specifically, the point that I was never notified about a specific charge?

May 19, 2008

From: American Airlines Date: May 19, 2008 3:22 PM Subject: R2008/04-87624-00136-001-00 May 19, 2008 Dear Dr. F: We received your most recent email, and I'm sorry you are upset with Ms. Simar's handling of your concerns. I have been asked to review the correspondence exchanged between you both, and I am glad to do so. I regret you were not apprised of the ticketing fee by the reservations agent you spoke with. As you have already been told, it is mentioned in the recording when you call our reservations office, as well. I, too, am sorry for the misunderstanding about this issue. However, we are making no exceptions to the collection of the transaction fee and we must respectfully decline your request for a refund. Although I know we disappointed you, please know that we value your business. We look forward to seeing you soon. Sincerely, Debbie Mahan Customer Relations American Airlines

May 20, 2008

To: Debbie Mahan, Customer Relations Re: R2008/04-87624-00136-001-00 Thank you for reviewing my correspondence with Ms. Simar. Thank you for acknowledging that I was not apprised of the ticketing fee by the reservations agent I spoke with. I appreciate your honesty. However, there is an open question from my last email that has not been answered. In your email, you state, "As you have already been told, [the ticketing fee] is mentioned in the recording when you call our reservations office, as well." This particular point is of concern to me as the recording states, "please note that ticketing fees may apply." The use of "may" here implies that there is no absolute with regard to ticketing fees. The implication is that the application of fees will be dependent on the services provided, leaving the option for no fees whatsoever. What reasonable person would think that they absolutely would be charged a fee based on that recording? What reasonable person would continue the call without knowing what they would be charged? Why is the recording so ambiguous? What services are provided that do not have a fee associated with them? How does anyone know if they will be charged $15 or $100? As an honest, fair-minded person, Ms. Mahan, what amount is too much to charge someone without them knowing exactly what will be charged for a service? $20? $50?

May 22, 2008

From: American Airlines Date: May 22, 2008 10:21 AM Subject: R2008/05-35140-00136-001-00 May 22, 2008 Dear Dr. F: We received your most recent email. Please know that your additional comments and concerns regarding the telephone recording have been noted. While we are unable to list the fees and whether or not there is a charge, mentioning that a ticketing fee may apply will alert our customers to this possibility. Certainly, they would want to check once they spoke with a representative, if it is not mentioned to them first. Dr. F, we appreciate your insight. Sincerely, Debbie Mahan Customer Relations American Airlines

May 22, 2008

To: Debbie Mahan, Customer Relations Re: R2008/05-35140-00136-001-00 Thank you for acknowledging that AA's telephone recording only alerts customers that fees are a possibility, not a certainty. Reading this made me feel better. However, your statement that "Certainly, [customers] would want to check once they spoke with a representative, if [a fee] is not mentioned to them first" made me feel sad and confused. You attempt to put the onus on the customer to know when charges apply. Not only does this contradict logic, but it also contradicts Jeri Simar's email to me from April 25th which states, "During a reservation telephone conversation with an agent... you should be advised that a service fee of [sic] per passenger will apply. This information is given as a part of a reservation transaction." That clearly identifies the AA employee as being responsible for informing customers about fees. Since you have acknowledged that the AA employee that I spoke with failed in her duties, I don't see why a refund is out of the question. Ms. Simar's April 30th email stated that "When applicable, a refund is proffered within our policy guidelines." Please provide me with a copy of your guidelines. I would like to review them to understand why my situation is not applicable. AA has dropped 11.4% in the American Customer Satisfaction Index since 1994 to a low score of 62. How can AA expect repeat business with unhappy customers?

May 27, 2008

From: American Airlines Date: May 27, 2008 9:03 AM Subject: R2008/05-42397-00136-001-00 May 27, 2008 Dear Dr. F: We received your most recent email. First, your email mentioned that the reservations representative you spoke with did not mention the fee. I'm sorry if that is not the situation you report, however, we can only tell you that they are supposed to do so as part of the conversation. My email also mentioned the fact that a fee may apply, and should alert our customers to the possibility, so that they might ask the reservations representative they are speaking with about this possibility. I never suggested that our customers should know whether or not it applies. You ask why your situation is not applicable for a refund. As we have said in previous correspondence, we are making no exceptions to the collection of the transaction fee and we must respectfully decline your request for a refund. Dr. F, any further correspondence about this particular issue would be unproductive. I understand that you are disappointed -- we are, too. However, we hope to put this matter behind us. We will look forward to the privilege of serving you on an American Airlines flight very soon. Sincerely, Debbie Mahan Customer Relations American Airlines

June 3, 2008

To: Debbie Mahan, Customer Relations Re: R2008/05-42397-00136-001-00 I'm sorry that we have not come to resolution, but I am not willing to put this matter behind us. I am a principled individual, and if the $15 charge had been made with my knowledge and agreement, there would be no complaint on my part. Your company made an unauthorized charge to my credit card in the amount of $15. As I see it, this is a criminal act. I thank you for your time, Ms. Mahan, but you are obviously not in a position of authority here. Please provide me with the contact information for someone who is.

June 4, 2008

From: American Airlines Date: Jun 4, 2008 4:10 PM Subject: R2008/06-03952-00136-001-00 June 4, 2008 Dear Dr. F: I am truly sorry that the matter you brought to our attention some time ago has not been resolved to your satisfaction. Since that time, we have reviewed and revisited the particulars concerning this situation in an effort to explore every possible perspective. Other managers have been involved in these reviews. As a result, we have made numerous attempts to explain the applicable policies and procedures and explain why we simply cannot comply with your request. Our position has not changed and I sincerely regret that we seem to have reached an impasse. While I understand the commitment with which you've continued to pursue this matter, the sustained exchange of communication about this particular situation seems ineffective. We will close our file pertaining to this matter. While we must decline to respond to any further contacts about this issue, we hope to put this unpleasantness behind us. We would consider it a privilege to enjoy a continued business relationship with you as an American Airlines customer. Sincerely, Debbie Mahan Customer Relations American Airlines

June 15, 2008

To: Debbie Mahan, Customer Relations Re: R2008/06-03952-00136-001-00 I am pleased to report that I have received a $15 credit on my credit card thanks to the quality customer service at Capital One. Capital One has recognized me as a loyal customer, and they have provided me with this credit as a courtesy to maintain a positive business relationship. American Airlines could learn a lot from Capital One. Through this ordeal, I did not once get the impression that AA was interested in satisfying the customer. Because AA still has my original $15, I consider the matter an open issue. I shall endeavor to spread the word of my experience with AA to the general public in the spirit of consumer awareness. I have yet to step foot on an AA plane, and you have lost me as a customer. I hope it was worth $15 for you. Good luck in your continued success as a company stooge, Ms. Mahan.

Van Halen Reunion Tour Hits The Steel City

I've seen Van Halen in concert numerous times, but never with David Lee Roth... until last night, that is.

I took my brother, Michael, to see Van Halen at the Mellon Arena for his birthday. Our seats were not too shabby (Section E16, Row C), but I was concerned going in that I was not going to get my money's worth, given TicketMaster's monopolistic, ass-raping fees. The opening act was Ryan Shaw, who was nothing to write home about, but he was serviceable for his 30 minutes on stage.

Van Halen started their show at 8:45 PM, and proceeded to electrify a near-sold out crowd for just over 2 hours. While it was not the best Van Halen show I've seen, it was outstanding. David Lee Roth was energetic and entertaining, but his leg kicks were noticably not youthful. Diamond Dave forgot the words during several songs, but he always managed to recover with a "whoa" here or a "wow" there.

Eddie Van Halen's 17 year old son, Wolfgang, is playing bass for Van Halen now that Michael Anthony has been ostracized. Wolfgang filled in well on bass, but his stage presence can not match the Jack Daniels-guzzling antics of Michael Anthony.

Alex Van Halen is one of the greatest drummers I've ever seen. His solo and the intro to Hot For Teacher were not as impressive as other live shows I've seen, but it was still impressive. Alex and Wolfgang did a great job of laying the foundation for a great sound.

The story of the night was the nimble guitar work by Eddie Van Halen. Eddie has always been considered a guitar god, but the last time I saw Van Halen in concert (circa 2004), he looked like a crack whore, and the band did not put on a good show. Last night was a different story. Eddie looked and sounded great. Thunderous, gut-crunching guitar chords, tremolo dive bombs and finger tapping filled my musical soul.

I have fulfilled a dream to see the (almost) original lineup of Van Halen. Given their rocky past, I hope they can keep from killing each other.

Setlist:
01. You Really Got Me (from Van Halen, 1978)
02. I'm The One (from Van Halen, 1978)
03. Runnin' With The Devil (from Van Halen, 1978)
04. Romeo Delight (from Women And Children First, 1980)
05. Somebody Get Me A Doctor (from Van Halen II, 1979)
06. Beautiful Girls (from Van Halen II, 1979)
07. Dance The Night Away (from Van Halen II, 1979)
08. Atomic Punk (from Van Halen, 1978)
09. Everybody Wants Some (from Women And Children First, 1980)
10. So This Is Love? (from Fair Warning, 1981)
11. Mean Street (from Fair Warning, 1981)
12. Pretty Woman (from Diver Down, 1982)
13. Drum Solo
14. Unchained (from Fair Warning, 1981)
15. I'll Wait (from 1984, 1984)
16. And The Cradle Will Rock (from Women And Children First, 1980)
17. Hot For Teacher (from 1984, 1984)
18. Little Dreamer (from Van Halen, 1978)
19. Little Guitars (from Diver Down, 1982)
20. Jamie's Cryin' (from Van Halen, 1978)
21. Ice Cream Man (from Van Halen, 1978)
22. Panama (from 1984, 1984)
23. Guitar Solo
24. Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love (from Van Halen, 1978)

Encore
25. 1984 (from 1984, 1984)
26. Jump (from 1984, 1984)

Fecal Trifecta

Recently, I received a series of communications from an acquaintance of mine who confessed to experiencing some strange events.

In the first of three communications, my acquaintance confessed to an act typically reserved for nervous children. While urinating, my acquaintance attempted to alleviate some pressure in his intestines. However, what he thought was going to be a fart, quickly revealed itself as the dreaded shart! Embarrassed by his deed, he removed his soiled boxer shorts and stashed them at the bottom of the weekly trash, lest his wife discover his shame.

In the second of three communications, my acquaintance told a most disturbing tale. As my acquaintance tells it, around 11 PM of the same day that produced the sharting episode, he was taking a shower and felt some major gurgles and rumblings in the lower hemisphere. A horrifically rank and noisy event occurred in the anal canal. He jumped out of the shower rather quickly due to the stench. While brushing his teeth, he noticed something on the shower floor. Much to his dismay, there was a little rope of shit there. He had not even felt it slither out of his rectum. He discretely pulled out some Clorox and scrubbed down the shower, lest his wife discover his shame.

The final communication identified that my acquaintance was walking his dog the next day. The dog dropped a bomb in a local park, and when my acquaintance attempted to scoop it up and put it in a bag, he bobbled the log and shit-stained his own sweater. He went home and quickly washed the sweater, lest his wife discover his shame.

The fecal trifecta was completed in less than 24 hours.

Mr. Hankey And His Stubborn Ways

Those who know me know that I often have humorous tales that have their genesis in a public restroom. Sometimes those restrooms are found where I work. I've seen toilet bowls and walls that looked like they had been sprayed with a fecal shotgun. I've even witnessed small bowel pellets on top of a toilet seat.

Today I witnessed something I've never seen before. Today, at work, I entered a stall. Upon entering that stall, I immediately noticed a large, black turd on the front, inner portion of the toilet bowl. It was disturbing to see, and I immediately questioned a) how did this thing get to the front of the bowl, and b) why didn't the owner flush?! Well, I got the answer to the second question when I flushed the toilet. The toilet flushed with all of the power of a normally functioning industrial toilet bowl. The turd, however, did not move! This mass of human waste remained as steady and motionless as the Rock of Gibraltar. I feel sorry for the cleaning staff... unless, of course, the turd is still there tomorrow.

Vegas Wrap-up

I'm in the airport in Las Vegas, waiting for my flight home. The first weekend of March Madness has come and gone, and the Vegas shysters have foiled me, again. Last year, I left Vegas on a high note, winning on Saturday and Sunday after two horrendous days of basketball betting. This year, a glorious two days of betting on Thursday and Friday turned sour when I won zero wagers on Saturday and one on Sunday. The big losers on Saturday were Duke, Purdue, Notre Dame and UCLA. On Sunday, losing wagers on Siena, Texas and San Diego had me down monetarily and emotionally. However, a 2-game parlay on North Carolina and Louisville eased the pain, as both teams cruised to easy victories.

This year's trip to Vegas was a mirror image from last year's trip, but what the two trips have in common is a turning point after two days. In both cases, fortunes turned when a prominent character entered the picture. Last year, The Oracle provided good fortune. This year, betting fortunes turned when my buddies and I ran into Walking Death at the Hofbrauhaus after the Don Rickles show on Friday. This mysterious, long-haired weirdo was dressed in black and very much resembled a human embodiment of death. After leaving the Hofbrauhaus, we saw Walking Death again at the Hard Rock Casino! We should have recognized the signs and avoided betting on Saturday and Sunday. Alas, we did not.

As I mentioned, I caught a show at the Orleans Showroom... Don Rickles, live! Yes, he's still alive, but just barely. He looked physically frail, but he was mentally sharp. The show started with a smarmy, twenty minute opening act; a Vegas singer named Paul Christopher. This guy resembled Wayne Newton, and he was over the top in his Vegas lounge style. Rickles gave us just over an hour of entertainment, and his humor was kick-ass. Rickles is known for his harsh, insensitive style, but he apologizes after almost every joke, and the crowd eats it up. Rickles randomly selected two guys out of the audience to bring up on stage with him. The first guy was an amputee, missing one leg from the knee down. Rickles claimed that after 55 years in the business, this was the first time he had an amputee on stage. The amputee claimed that he drove in from Phoenix, and he was proud to have Rickles make fun of him. Rickles did, and it was hilarious. Rickles received several standing ovations before the show ended, and he seemed humble at the end. If you get the chance, catch his show sometime. You might not have many chances left.

March Madness Kicks Off

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. So, why am I posting something now? I'm in Las Vegas, of course!

The brackets have been filled out, and the games have started. Despite having a head cold, I am living it up, enjoying every minute of free alcohol and sports gambling. I'm riding high with an 8-4 record in personal basketball wagers. Two of the losses were tough to take. I had Texas A&M with a first half line of -1, and the Aggies (who started the game with an 11-0 lead) crapped the bed by letting BYU tie the game at the half. Similarly, I had WVU with a first half line of-1.5, and the Mountaineers squandered a lead to only go into the half up by 1 against Arizona. I was bitter for awhile, but two wagers on Notre Dame increased my spirits... and my cash holdings.

For anyone that would like to join me, I'll be at the Red Rock Casino, watching the games during the day. On Friday, I'll be at the Orleans Showroom to see the one and only Don Rickles!