Van Halen Reunion Tour Hits The Steel City

I've seen Van Halen in concert numerous times, but never with David Lee Roth... until last night, that is.

I took my brother, Michael, to see Van Halen at the Mellon Arena for his birthday. Our seats were not too shabby (Section E16, Row C), but I was concerned going in that I was not going to get my money's worth, given TicketMaster's monopolistic, ass-raping fees. The opening act was Ryan Shaw, who was nothing to write home about, but he was serviceable for his 30 minutes on stage.

Van Halen started their show at 8:45 PM, and proceeded to electrify a near-sold out crowd for just over 2 hours. While it was not the best Van Halen show I've seen, it was outstanding. David Lee Roth was energetic and entertaining, but his leg kicks were noticably not youthful. Diamond Dave forgot the words during several songs, but he always managed to recover with a "whoa" here or a "wow" there.

Eddie Van Halen's 17 year old son, Wolfgang, is playing bass for Van Halen now that Michael Anthony has been ostracized. Wolfgang filled in well on bass, but his stage presence can not match the Jack Daniels-guzzling antics of Michael Anthony.

Alex Van Halen is one of the greatest drummers I've ever seen. His solo and the intro to Hot For Teacher were not as impressive as other live shows I've seen, but it was still impressive. Alex and Wolfgang did a great job of laying the foundation for a great sound.

The story of the night was the nimble guitar work by Eddie Van Halen. Eddie has always been considered a guitar god, but the last time I saw Van Halen in concert (circa 2004), he looked like a crack whore, and the band did not put on a good show. Last night was a different story. Eddie looked and sounded great. Thunderous, gut-crunching guitar chords, tremolo dive bombs and finger tapping filled my musical soul.

I have fulfilled a dream to see the (almost) original lineup of Van Halen. Given their rocky past, I hope they can keep from killing each other.

Setlist:
01. You Really Got Me (from Van Halen, 1978)
02. I'm The One (from Van Halen, 1978)
03. Runnin' With The Devil (from Van Halen, 1978)
04. Romeo Delight (from Women And Children First, 1980)
05. Somebody Get Me A Doctor (from Van Halen II, 1979)
06. Beautiful Girls (from Van Halen II, 1979)
07. Dance The Night Away (from Van Halen II, 1979)
08. Atomic Punk (from Van Halen, 1978)
09. Everybody Wants Some (from Women And Children First, 1980)
10. So This Is Love? (from Fair Warning, 1981)
11. Mean Street (from Fair Warning, 1981)
12. Pretty Woman (from Diver Down, 1982)
13. Drum Solo
14. Unchained (from Fair Warning, 1981)
15. I'll Wait (from 1984, 1984)
16. And The Cradle Will Rock (from Women And Children First, 1980)
17. Hot For Teacher (from 1984, 1984)
18. Little Dreamer (from Van Halen, 1978)
19. Little Guitars (from Diver Down, 1982)
20. Jamie's Cryin' (from Van Halen, 1978)
21. Ice Cream Man (from Van Halen, 1978)
22. Panama (from 1984, 1984)
23. Guitar Solo
24. Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love (from Van Halen, 1978)

Encore
25. 1984 (from 1984, 1984)
26. Jump (from 1984, 1984)

Fecal Trifecta

Recently, I received a series of communications from an acquaintance of mine who confessed to experiencing some strange events.

In the first of three communications, my acquaintance confessed to an act typically reserved for nervous children. While urinating, my acquaintance attempted to alleviate some pressure in his intestines. However, what he thought was going to be a fart, quickly revealed itself as the dreaded shart! Embarrassed by his deed, he removed his soiled boxer shorts and stashed them at the bottom of the weekly trash, lest his wife discover his shame.

In the second of three communications, my acquaintance told a most disturbing tale. As my acquaintance tells it, around 11 PM of the same day that produced the sharting episode, he was taking a shower and felt some major gurgles and rumblings in the lower hemisphere. A horrifically rank and noisy event occurred in the anal canal. He jumped out of the shower rather quickly due to the stench. While brushing his teeth, he noticed something on the shower floor. Much to his dismay, there was a little rope of shit there. He had not even felt it slither out of his rectum. He discretely pulled out some Clorox and scrubbed down the shower, lest his wife discover his shame.

The final communication identified that my acquaintance was walking his dog the next day. The dog dropped a bomb in a local park, and when my acquaintance attempted to scoop it up and put it in a bag, he bobbled the log and shit-stained his own sweater. He went home and quickly washed the sweater, lest his wife discover his shame.

The fecal trifecta was completed in less than 24 hours.

Mr. Hankey And His Stubborn Ways

Those who know me know that I often have humorous tales that have their genesis in a public restroom. Sometimes those restrooms are found where I work. I've seen toilet bowls and walls that looked like they had been sprayed with a fecal shotgun. I've even witnessed small bowel pellets on top of a toilet seat.

Today I witnessed something I've never seen before. Today, at work, I entered a stall. Upon entering that stall, I immediately noticed a large, black turd on the front, inner portion of the toilet bowl. It was disturbing to see, and I immediately questioned a) how did this thing get to the front of the bowl, and b) why didn't the owner flush?! Well, I got the answer to the second question when I flushed the toilet. The toilet flushed with all of the power of a normally functioning industrial toilet bowl. The turd, however, did not move! This mass of human waste remained as steady and motionless as the Rock of Gibraltar. I feel sorry for the cleaning staff... unless, of course, the turd is still there tomorrow.

Vegas Wrap-up

I'm in the airport in Las Vegas, waiting for my flight home. The first weekend of March Madness has come and gone, and the Vegas shysters have foiled me, again. Last year, I left Vegas on a high note, winning on Saturday and Sunday after two horrendous days of basketball betting. This year, a glorious two days of betting on Thursday and Friday turned sour when I won zero wagers on Saturday and one on Sunday. The big losers on Saturday were Duke, Purdue, Notre Dame and UCLA. On Sunday, losing wagers on Siena, Texas and San Diego had me down monetarily and emotionally. However, a 2-game parlay on North Carolina and Louisville eased the pain, as both teams cruised to easy victories.

This year's trip to Vegas was a mirror image from last year's trip, but what the two trips have in common is a turning point after two days. In both cases, fortunes turned when a prominent character entered the picture. Last year, The Oracle provided good fortune. This year, betting fortunes turned when my buddies and I ran into Walking Death at the Hofbrauhaus after the Don Rickles show on Friday. This mysterious, long-haired weirdo was dressed in black and very much resembled a human embodiment of death. After leaving the Hofbrauhaus, we saw Walking Death again at the Hard Rock Casino! We should have recognized the signs and avoided betting on Saturday and Sunday. Alas, we did not.

As I mentioned, I caught a show at the Orleans Showroom... Don Rickles, live! Yes, he's still alive, but just barely. He looked physically frail, but he was mentally sharp. The show started with a smarmy, twenty minute opening act; a Vegas singer named Paul Christopher. This guy resembled Wayne Newton, and he was over the top in his Vegas lounge style. Rickles gave us just over an hour of entertainment, and his humor was kick-ass. Rickles is known for his harsh, insensitive style, but he apologizes after almost every joke, and the crowd eats it up. Rickles randomly selected two guys out of the audience to bring up on stage with him. The first guy was an amputee, missing one leg from the knee down. Rickles claimed that after 55 years in the business, this was the first time he had an amputee on stage. The amputee claimed that he drove in from Phoenix, and he was proud to have Rickles make fun of him. Rickles did, and it was hilarious. Rickles received several standing ovations before the show ended, and he seemed humble at the end. If you get the chance, catch his show sometime. You might not have many chances left.

March Madness Kicks Off

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. So, why am I posting something now? I'm in Las Vegas, of course!

The brackets have been filled out, and the games have started. Despite having a head cold, I am living it up, enjoying every minute of free alcohol and sports gambling. I'm riding high with an 8-4 record in personal basketball wagers. Two of the losses were tough to take. I had Texas A&M with a first half line of -1, and the Aggies (who started the game with an 11-0 lead) crapped the bed by letting BYU tie the game at the half. Similarly, I had WVU with a first half line of-1.5, and the Mountaineers squandered a lead to only go into the half up by 1 against Arizona. I was bitter for awhile, but two wagers on Notre Dame increased my spirits... and my cash holdings.

For anyone that would like to join me, I'll be at the Red Rock Casino, watching the games during the day. On Friday, I'll be at the Orleans Showroom to see the one and only Don Rickles!

Sopranos Surprise

The final episode of The Sopranos was great... until the end. Junior Soprano continued his descent into delirium... Terrorist threats were kept alive... Phil got whacked, and his carcass got run over by his grandkids in an SUV.

There was tremendous suspense, since everyone knew this was the last episode. How was it going to end? Was Tony going to get whacked? Who would whack him? Would he flip and give up "the family" to the FBI? Would everyone die at the hands of terrorists by way of a dirty bomb? Theories were a dime a dozen on the Internet, but nobody saw this ending coming. Nobody thought the show would just... end.

Who would have thought Tony, Carmela, Meadow and A.J. would sit down to a family dinner at a restaurant, and the cameras would just stop rolling? Not me, and not you! Why would we? It's ridiculous! The final scene was so tense, as the cameras focused on two shady characters more than once. You just assumed these guys were going to pull out guns and start blasting. But nothing happened. A.J. didn't even choke to death on an onion ring! I feel so cheated that I almost can't remember the entertainment that the episode provided... like Paulie unzipping his pants at dinner.

To paraphrase a quote from my good friend, Scott, "This is the biggest case of TV blue balls in the history of television."

Wake Me Up When It's Over

Sports Illustrated said it would be "the fight to save boxing". Even if the De La Hoya/Mayweather fight lived up to the hype, what is on the horizon for boxing? Not much.

The fight was anticlimactic. Mayweather won a split decision, and both boxers made out financially. I'm just glad they didn't get any of my money. Thank goodness for SopCast.

I'm Not As Think As You Drunk I Am

The latest Sports Illustrated makes reference to a Maxfli commercial starring notorious golfer/alcoholic John Daly that was banned by CBS. Daly is shown grabbing a beer and driving a golf cart erratically. Sports Illustrated quotes a CBS spokesperson as saying, "Any implied or direct reference to excessive consumption of alcohol would not meet network guidelines."

The commercial can be found here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lwn7KimEosQ&mode=related&search=

Compliment Of The Day

I tried calling a friend of mine at his place of business today, and when he didn't answer, I left a message. He returned my call when I was away from my desk and he left the following message:

"Hey, I'm sorry I missed your call at eleven-thirty. I thought it was my wife, so I didn't pick up."

That says something right there, folks. I feel special.

Sphincter? I Don't Even Know Her!

I have just learned that Calvert DeForest (a.k.a. Larry "Bud" Melman) died on Monday at age 85. The Larry "Bud" Melman character was a staple on Late Night With David Letterman, with his odd statements (e.g., the title of this blog entry) and precarious situations (e.g., being tossed through a foam replica of the Berlin Wall).

"Everyone always wondered if Calvert was an actor playing a character, but in reality he was just himself - a genuine, modest and nice man," said Letterman. "To our staff and to our viewers, he was a beloved and valued part of our show, and we will miss him."

Surely, Letterman will have a tribute to Calvert DeForest. Keep your eyes peeled.

What I Wish I Saw In Vegas

I recently discovered that while I was in Vegas, former Steeler (now a Dolphin) linebacker Joey Porter punched Cincinnati Bengals offensive lineman Levi Jones after exchanging trash talk at a blackjack table at the Palms.

There's a rumor that Joey also smashed Don Rickles in the face with a telephone.

Finding A Watering Hole In The Desert

My buddy Scott and I were in Vegas for the first weekend of March Madness. We had a blast! We had free use of a house and a Mercedes-Benz C32 AMG, and most important, we had non-stop basketball, betting and beer! What more can you ask for? Well, I'll tell you. We spent 4 days and most of the nights at the Red Rock Casino. This place opened last April after $1 billion of construction. The Red Rock is like a small city; sports book, restaurants, night clubs, movie theaters, bowling lanes, and more!

So, I know what you are wondering. "How did you do?" Well, we did crappy on Thursday and Friday. The basketball gods were not smiling on us. By end-of-day Friday, we were down big. My two day record was 6-15. Too many games, I know. It was looking bleak. Before turning in Friday night, Scott and I discussed pulling a "Costanza", whereby we would bet the opposite of everything we liked. And we were serious.

We slept in a little on Saturday, as we didn't intend on betting on the first game of the day, Xavier vs. Ohio State. Ohio State was favored by 8, and we didn't like the game. When we got to the casino Saturday morning, the Xavier/Ohio State game was nearing halftime, and we sat down to check out the lines for the upcoming games. Out of the blue, without provocation, some drunk guy wearing a Philadelphia Eagles hat comes up to us and announces, "Xavier's coming back. You watch. I've got Xavier and the money line. They're gonna win!" He then proceeds to tell us that he won 7 of 8 bets on Thursday and 6 of 7 bets on Friday. I thought he was full of crap, given his drunken state, but Scott inquired as to what other games the drunkard liked. He exclaimed in convincing fashion that he liked Xavier, Louisville, Vanderbilt, UNLV and Memphis. And as quickly as he appeared, he disappeared into the crowd.

Scott asks, "What do you think?" I reply, "I think this guy is our good luck charm. I'm putting money on Xavier!" At halftime, Xavier was down by 4, and the halftime line was Ohio State -4. So, Ohio State still had to win by 8. We put money down on Xavier.

Xavier should have won, with an opportunity to go up by 4 with about 2 seconds to go, but an errant free throw only put Xavier up by 3, and Ohio State hit a 3 pointer to send the game into OT. Scott and I were convinced we were jinxed. It seemed like destiny for Ohio State to win by more than 8 in OT to screw us. What the hell were we doing betting hard-earned money on games picked by a drunk guy? Well, Xavier held on to lose by only 7. Victory! Well, for us at least. The drunk stood to make 3 times his money, but by betting the money line, he was a big loser. We found out later he bet $400 on Xavier.

We were now 1-0 on the day. We were drinking New Castle beer, and it was dubbed the official beer of "Comeback Saturday". The drunkard that helped us start our day off on the right foot was thereafter known as "The Oracle". With free beer flowing, we plopped money down on The Oracle's other selections, and a few of our own. We even played a 4-game parlay.

Later in the day, we were preparing for the Pitt/VA Commonwealth game. The Oracle reappeared and sat down next to us. He was even more intoxicated than when we first met him. He began repeating himself numerous times, the way drunks often do. Scott and I had settled on playing VA Commonwealth +7, but we asked The Oracle what he thought. "Pitt's gonna kick their ass!" The Oracle was losing his balance, and losing his luster as well. We defiantly played VA Commonwealth +7.

Through the game, The Oracle was watching a boxing match on TV that appeared to be about 20 years old. He was shadowboxing as the two boxers were beating the piss out of each other. "This is a real fight here," he said. "Toe to toe! No dancing around like pussies! Just two guys fighting... old school. Like Jack Dempsey... Jake LaMotta." There was a brief pause. Then, "This is a real fight here. Toe to toe! No dancing around like pussies! Just two guys fighting... old school. Like Jack Dempsey... Jake LaMotta." This went on for about 10 minutes. I turned to The Oracle and said, "It looks like you got a REAL fight there." "Yeah," he replied. "Old school... like Jack Dempsey or Jake LaMotta," I said. The Oracle thought for a moment, then agreed. "Exactly!"

I then got a brief synopsis from The Oracle about how his life is a mess, and he drinks too much.

Leave it to an Eagles fan to ruin a good time. The Oracle stumbled off, never to return.

VA Commonwealth made us sweat out another victory, losing to Pitt by 5 in OT, but it was a victory nonetheless. The only loser we had the whole day was Louisville, but it screwed us twice. Louisville was catching 3, but we got cocky and decided to play the money line. Louisville lost by 3, so we lost the straight bet, and we lost the 4-game parlay, as Louisville was 1 of the 4.

It was a HUGE financial windfall on Saturday, and the good luck carried over into Sunday. We played UNLV and Memphis, as per The Oracle's original calls, and we managed a few more wins, including a 3-game NBA parlay.

The trip started off sour, and we left Vegas with just a little less moolah than we came with, but the trip ended on a positive note. I haven't had that much fun in a long time.

Holy Underwear!

FYI. My cousin received a strange email last night, and Dr. F has responded on behalf of his band. Below you will find the original email and my response.

----- Original Message ----- From: steven david Sent: Tuesday, February 27, 2007 10:29 PM Subject: party enquiry Hello, How is Business, My name is steven david I am presently in the UK here i work as a videographer & Priest. The reason why i am contacting you is that my wife sharron will be Celibrating her 40th Birthday Party soon, precisely on the10TH Of MAR 2007,please check your avalability for this date becouse I will like you to take care of the Music aspect of the event. I came across your profile and am impressed with your services,experience,your kind of music of course is okay by me. The venue address of the event is 207 east 2nd street ,MINNEAPOLIS MN 55436 We are expecting about 80-100 guest & its going to be an indoor party. The party starts 12pm-5pm according to our program of the event. You are to start performing when it is 1pm till the end of the party. There will no be any dance from guest nor familly for any reason what we only need from you is for you to just give us interesting music. All expenses would be taken care of by me;Please I want the best service from you, because she is my only wife & i love her so much. So your best production is needed at this occasion. Pls Let me know your CHARGES to work for 4 Hours on that day,1pm -5pm when the event will be ending,moreso let me know how you plan to move down here with your electronics? I will want to put it to your notice that i will take care of your hotel only if requested from you,please let me know how many of you will be comming for this event? I hope to read from you soon & also to have your service QUOTE which will only include your travel,feeding, and your service fee. I look forward to your response and also your price package so that i can make quick arrangement of paying you a deposit payment so that you can book my wife event on your calendar. Pls email me back asap. Best Regards Priest steven.

-----Original Message----- From: Dr. F Sent: Wednesday, February 28, 2007 7:11 AM Subject: RE: party enquiry Hello Priest Steven David, Please let me introduce myself. I am DR. F, the band doctor and legal representative for the band [henceforth referred to as 'THE BAND' in this legal document]. THE BAND will be very happy to play for your only wife Sharron in Celebrating her 40th Birthday Party soon. This is very special event as priests in US do not have wifes, but you are from UK, so God will not smite you. Our CHARGES to work 4 hours are reasonable at $100/hour, but we will require hotel rooms for after the show when groupies entertain us with their jiggling parts, which is customary. Your wife is welcome to jiggle with them at no extra charge. My wife MRS. F does not jiggle so much as she flaps. As you are a priest AND a videographer, we will require you to complete our legal form for taking pictures at the party (see below). Please fill in the form, sign and date, scan and return to me soonest with picture ID. THE BAND is anxiously waiting for your quick arrangement of paying a deposit. Let us do this partinership which God has blessed. Metal Up Your Ass, DR. F ------------------------------ CUT HERE ------------------------------ LEGAL PHOTO DOCUMENT FOR THE BAND THIS LEGAL DOCUMENT MUST BE COMPLETED BY THE PHOTOGRAPHER/VIDEOGRAPHER 1. FIRST NAME: ____________________ 2. LAST NAME : ____________________ 3. OCCUPATION: ____________________ 4. IF OCCUPATION IS PRIEST, ARE YOU A REAL PRIEST: ___ YES ___ NO 5. IF OCCUPATION IS PRIEST, PLEASE WRITE IN THE SPACE BELOW YOUR INTENTIONS WITH REGARD TO DIDDLING NAKED ALTAR BOYS ON CAMERA. (NOTE: DIDDLING NAKED ALTAR BOYS IS BAD.) ______________________________ __________ SIGNATURE DATE ------------------------------ CUT HERE ------------------------------

Eau de toilette

Do you remember when the toilets in the women's restroom were on the fritz at Company X? Well, today I overheard some ladies talking about the state of affairs behind closed stall doors. Apparently, there are some discourteous, filthy women dropping bombs in the restrooms. An email went out to all of the women in the building from one of the administrative assistants. I managed to get my hands on a copy, and I'm sharing the contents here for your enjoyment (emphasis noted is verbatim from the original email):

Ladies,

I regret the need to even send an email of this sort, but I must.

It is continually being brought to my attention that the toilets in the women's restrooms are not being flushed and the restrooms are being left in an inappropriate manner for the next person. In addition to unflushed toilets, the paper toilet seat covers are being left on top of the toilets as well.
What is going on here?

Please leave the bathrooms in a manner that you would expect to find it for yourself.

Birds Of A Feather Blog Together

When I was home for Christmas, my buddy DaKarch and I did some good old fashioned pheasant hunting. He brought his German Shorthaired Pointer and his very pregnant wife (she's a tough broad). It was a brisk day, and quite windy. The wind proved to be a challenge, as the dog had difficulty at times picking up a scent. However, she was very impressive. Here's a picture of her pointing out a bird for yours truly. Note the proper handling of the firearm, with the trigger finger not engaged on the trigger. Safety first.

Gloria Steinem Would Be Proud

From an email sent out to all of Company X today by a female administrative assistant:

"The women's rest room by me - the automatic flush isn't working. There is a little black button on the wall behind the seat that you can push for a flush."

If this email had been authored by a man, I'm sure he would be reprimanded for being sexist, assuming women didn't have the mechanical inclination to figure out how to flush a modern toilet.

Additionally, he would be reprimanded for being in the women's bathroom in the first place. :)

Are You Ready For Some... Knees To The Nuts?

The Raiders played the Seahawks last night on Monday Night Football. Oakland's defensive end Tyler Brayton was ejected late in the game for kneeing Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens in the gonads at the end of a play.

You've got to ask yourself, "What the heck is going on in the world of sports?"

Joey Porter recently threatened a referee and was fined $15,000.

On October 1st, Tennessee's Albert Haynesworth stomped on Dallas Cowboys center Andre Gurode's head, knocking off his helmet, then kicked and stomped his face.

During the World Cup, France's Zinedine Zidane head-butted Italy's Marco Materazzi in the chest.

Lawrence Phillips, who has a history of violence and numerous arrests, was charged with trying to run over a group of boys with his car because he was upset about losing a pickup game. Don't worry though, folks. It was just an accident.

The Bengals' Chris Henry has been arrested four times in less than a year.

The list goes on, and on, and on. Why do these athletes have such a lack of control? Where does it come from? I blame the parents!

Bling Bling

Want to pimp your lady out? Well, she'll need some bling that won't break the bank. Check out my friends at jdrops.com. Aw, yeah.

Additionally, by offering an assortment of bead jewelry, they cater to hippies, too!

In Memoriam

My father passed away exactly one month ago, on September 16, 2006. While this blog has been primarily dedicated to odd and humorous happenings in my life, I've decided to set aside this small piece of internet real estate for my dad. He was 55 when he died, and it was obviously too soon by most standards. A month later, it is only marginally easier to cope with the fact that he's gone. Closure will come some day, but not today. I love you, dad.

Wait For The Beep

Ever since I moved to Florida and established a home phone number, I have often received calls from people looking for some Indian dude. Every once in awhile, I'll come home to a message on my answering machine from some employer who found the Indian dude's resume online. Two days ago, my answering machine recorded ten (10) messages from employers looking for this Indian dude. My guess is that this jackass has posted his resume to some new site, but he has neglected to proofread his resume for the correct phone number. So, in an effort to reduce the number of messages I have to listen to, I have changed my answering machine message. Here it is.

Today, I came home to find three (3) hang-ups on my answering machine and one (1) message. Here is that message.